waking up

My favorite version of me is the one that gets up at 6am, exercises, showers, eats a big breakfast, practices my Spanish, and gets a good productive start on the day. It's been very difficult to come up with that version lately.

I've been dreaming a lot, which I like. But I'm in a phase that occasionally happens, where I actually feel held hostage by my dreams. They're so detailed and complex, I really want to find out how the story ends. I end up making myself go back to sleep instead of getting up and being productive, just so I can see what happens in the dream. Once I have been in this phase for a couple of days or a week, it starts to really frighten me. What I'm basically letting my brain say to me is that my dreams are more interesting than my real life, and I'd rather stay there. I remember times in high school where my dreams were so vivid that sometimes I'd be actually participating in real life but under the assumption that it was also part of my dream. I began to have a hard time figuring out what the line between the two was. I think I'm always a little bit scared that I might go back to that, if the dreams get so out of hand.

And I don't agree with my brain. My life is interesting and wonderful. My dreams are a fascinating magical story, but even when I'm in them I realize it's just a story. I have been lucky to have resolution dreams, where I'm visited by someone who has died or is no longer in my life and we're able to say goodbye to each other. And I'm thankful for those, but I still would choose my actual life over my dreams.

It's just hard to make that choice when you're cozy under the blankets in a wonderful bed, and the option is to put your bare feet on a cold floor and wake up. But do you hear me brain? I'm ready to wake up again!